A funny Piece

So for my writing class I had to write a Humor piece. I wrote about my car experiences. I hope that you enjoy. Please note I am not the person driving with the head lights off.

How to Keep your Car in Working Condition

By Naomi Shoemaker

I. Only buy gas when absolutely necessary.
a. Drive until your car dies.
b. Call someone to bring you some gas, or try to push the car all by yourself to the nearest gas station.
II. Never cheek your oil.
III. At night make sure you drive with your head lights off, and drive the wrong way down the street. This makes it a lot easier for someone to run into your car.
a. When someone does run into your car tell them it was there fault and they need to watch where they are going and pay to fix your car.
b. After battling the insurance company for over a year, trying to proof if was not your fault, continue to drive with your head lights off after dark, in hopes that someone will run into you.
IV. Make sure your car has an oil leak and that you never add oil.
V. If you go to school, work, or live in a neighborhood that has a gate guard get to know the guard. This will come in handy. You may also want to let them know that most likely your car will have one major issue a year and not to ask when you will have your car back.
VI. When backing up make sure you have a tree, or some other non moving object, to run your side view mirror into. Then try to fix the mirror with tape. When the tape wears out try gluing the mirror in place and hope that no one tries to adjust the mirror.
VII. When in a parking garage pull your car all the way in. This way you hit the wall or the post.
a. If you have a little car this will almost guarantee that the next person looking for a spot will not see your little, car that is pulled all the way in, and they will turn into the spot and rear end you.
b. If you have a large car this does not help you.
VIII. When your car starts making a funny noise, probably because it needs oil, keep driving a couple weeks. Until the weather is not to hot or too cold, or until you are in the right mood to add oil.
IX. Keep your car full of stuff. You never know when you will need
a. A jacket
b. Shoes
c. School books
d. Trash
e. Roller skates
f. Small Christmas Tree
X. When you finally get around to adding oil make sure you forget to put the oil cap on, or make sure that it is not one all the way. This makes for excitement while driving.
XI. Once your car catches on fire, this is the excitement I was talking about, keep driving until you are in a safe spot. You don’t want to be on the side of the road when your car is on fire.
XII. Make sure you have someone in the car who thinks that being in a burning car is funny. This will help a lot.
XIII. Don’t call 911. Wait until some says “call 911”
XIV. When you get a busy signal don’t call back right away, the fire fighters will just know that your car is on fire.
XV. When you start to unload all the useless junk you have been storing in your car, place it in the middle of the parking lot. This way when the fire fighters, that you finally got a hold of, get to your car you can move all the useless stuff one more time so they can park the truck near your car to extinguish the flames coming out from under the hood.
a. Don’t forget to grab your parking permit, handicap placard, registration, or other important things you will need, like your grizzly bear pass, if your car does blow up before the fire fighters can put out the fire.
XVI. While driving the rental car, now full of all your junk, you will get to know that gate guard even better and he may finally start to believe that your car will be ill once a year. Even though he knows this he will still ask every day when your car will be back. I suggest you tell him you don’t know because chance are you don’t, or that the place fixing your car will take longer than expected.
XVII. Once your car is back from the shop don’t ever check your oil again this way you can experience the fire again and again.
a. Rinse, Wash and Repeat